Act II, Scene 1 Rochester. An inn yard. 

Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand

 

First Carrier Heigh-ho! an it be not four by the day, I'll be
hanged: Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and
yet our horse not packed. What, ostler!
Ostler [Within] Anon, anon.
First Carrier I prithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks
in the point; poor jade, is wrung in the withers out
of all cess.
  [Enter another Carrier]
Second Carrier Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that
is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this
house is turned upside down since Robin Ostler died.
First Carrier Poor fellow, never joyed since the price of oats
rose; it was the death of him.
Second Carrier I think this be the most villanous house in all
London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.
First Carrier Like a tench! by the mass, there is ne'er a king
christen could be better bit than I have been since
the first cock.
Second Carrier Why, they will allow us ne'er a jordan, and then we
leak in your chimney; and your chamber-lie breeds
fleas like a loach.
First Carrier What, ostler! come away and be hanged!
Second Carrier I have a gammon of bacon and two razors of ginger,
to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.
First Carrier God's body! the turkeys in my pannier are quite
starved. What, ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou
never an eye in thy head? canst not hear? An
'twere not as good deed as drink, to break the pate
on thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hanged!
hast thou no faith in thee?
  [Enter GADSHILL]
GADSHILL Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?
First Carrier I think it be two o'clock.
GADSHILL I pray thee lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding
in the stable.
First Carrier Nay, by God, soft; I know a trick worth two of that, i' faith.
GADSHILL I pray thee, lend me thine.
Second Carrier Ay, when? can'st tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth
he? marry, I'll see thee hanged first.
GADSHILL Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?
Second Carrier Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant
thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we'll call up the
gentleman: they will along with company, for they
have great charge.
  [Exeunt carriers]
GADSHILL What, ho! chamberlain!
Chamberlain [Within] At hand, quoth pick-purse.
GADSHILL That's even as fair as--at hand, quoth the
chamberlain; for thou variest no more from picking
of purses than giving direction doth from labouring;
thou layest the plot how.
  [Enter Chamberlain]
Chamberlain Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that
I told you yesternight: there's a franklin in the
wild of Kent hath brought three hundred marks with
him in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his
company last night at supper; a kind of auditor; one
that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.
They are up already, and call for eggs and butter;
they will away presently.
GADSHILL Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas'
clerks, I'll give thee this neck.
Chamberlain No, I'll none of it: I pray thee keep that for the
hangman; for I know thou worshippest St. Nicholas
as truly as a man of falsehood may.
GADSHILL What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang,
I'll make a fat pair of gallows; for if I hang, old
Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no
starveling. Tut! there are other Trojans that thou
dreamest not of, the which for sport sake are
content to do the profession some grace; that would,
if matters should be looked into, for their own
credit sake, make all whole. I am joined with no
foot-land rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers,
none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms;
but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and
great oneyers, such as can hold in, such as will
strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than
drink, and drink sooner than pray: and yet, zounds,
I lie; for they pray continually to their saint, the
commonwealth; or rather, not pray to her, but prey
on her, for they ride up and down on her and make
her their boots.
Chamberlain What, the commonwealth their boots? will she hold
out water in foul way?
GADSHILL She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We
steal as in a castle, cocksure; we have the receipt
of fern-seed, we walk invisible.
Chamberlain Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to
the night than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.
GADSHILL Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our
purchase, as I am a true man.
Chamberlain Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.
GADSHILL Go to; 'homo' is a common name to all men. Bid the
ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell,
you muddy knave.
  [Exeunt]

 

Act II, Scene 2 The highway, near Gadshill. 

Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS

 

POINS Come, shelter, shelter: I have removed Falstaff's
horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.
PRINCE HENRY Stand close.
  [Enter FALSTAFF]
FALSTAFF Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!
PRINCE HENRY Peace, ye fat-kidneyed rascal! what a brawling dost
thou keep!
FALSTAFF Where's Poins, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY He is walked up to the top of the hill: I'll go seek him.
FALSTAFF I am accursed to rob in that thief's company: the
rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know
not where. If I travel but four foot by the squier
further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt
not but to die a fair death for all this, if I
'scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have
forsworn his company hourly any time this two and
twenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the
rogue's company. If the rascal hath not given me
medicines to make me love him, I'll be hanged; it
could not be else: I have drunk medicines. Poins!
Hal! a plague upon you both! Bardolph! Peto!
I'll starve ere I'll rob a foot further. An 'twere
not as good a deed as drink, to turn true man and to
leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that
ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven
ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me;
and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough:
a plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another!
  [They whistle]
  Whew! A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you
rogues; give me my horse, and be hanged!
PRINCE HENRY Peace, ye fat-guts! lie down; lay thine ear close
to the ground and list if thou canst hear the tread
of travellers.
FALSTAFF Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down?
'Sblood, I'll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot
again for all the coin in thy father's exchequer.
What a plague mean ye to colt me thus?
PRINCE HENRY Thou liest; thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.
FALSTAFF I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse,
good king's son.
PRINCE HENRY Out, ye rogue! shall I be your ostler?
FALSTAFF Go, hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent
garters! If I be ta'en, I'll peach for this. An I
have not ballads made on you all and sung to filthy
tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison: when a jest
is so forward, and afoot too! I hate it.
  [Enter GADSHILL, BARDOLPH and PETO]
GADSHILL Stand.
FALSTAFF So I do, against my will.
POINS O, 'tis our setter: I know his voice. Bardolph,
what news?
BARDOLPH Case ye, case ye; on with your vizards: there 's
money of the king's coming down the hill; 'tis going
to the king's exchequer.
FALSTAFF You lie, ye rogue; 'tis going to the king's tavern.
GADSHILL There's enough to make us all.
FALSTAFF To be hanged.
PRINCE HENRY Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane;
Ned Poins and I will walk lower: if they 'scape
from your encounter, then they light on us.
PETO How many be there of them?
GADSHILL Some eight or ten.
FALSTAFF 'Zounds, will they not rob us?
PRINCE HENRY What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?
FALSTAFF Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather;
but yet no coward, Hal.
PRINCE HENRY Well, we leave that to the proof.
POINS Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge:
when thou needest him, there thou shalt find him.
Farewell, and stand fast.
FALSTAFF Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.
PRINCE HENRY Ned, where are our disguises?
POINS Here, hard by: stand close.
  [Exeunt PRINCE HENRY and POINS]
FALSTAFF Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I:
every man to his business.
  [Enter the Travellers]
First Traveller Come, neighbour: the boy shall lead our horses down
the hill; we'll walk afoot awhile, and ease our legs.
Thieves Stand!
Travellers Jesus bless us!
FALSTAFF Strike; down with them; cut the villains' throats:
ah! whoreson caterpillars! bacon-fed knaves! they
hate us youth: down with them: fleece them.
Travellers O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!
FALSTAFF Hang ye, gorbellied knaves, are ye undone? No, ye
fat chuffs: I would your store were here! On,
bacons, on! What, ye knaves! young men must live.
You are Grand-jurors, are ye? we'll jure ye, 'faith.
  [Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt]
  [Re-enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS]
PRINCE HENRY The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou
and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it
would be argument for a week, laughter for a month
and a good jest for ever.
POINS Stand close; I hear them coming.
  [Enter the Thieves again]
FALSTAFF Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse
before day. An the Prince and Poins be not two
arrant cowards, there's no equity stirring: there's
no more valour in that Poins than in a wild-duck.
PRINCE HENRY Your money!
POINS Villains!
  [As they are sharing, the Prince and Poins set upon
them; they all run away; and Falstaff, after a blow
or two, runs away too, leaving the booty behind them]
PRINCE HENRY Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse:
The thieves are all scatter'd and possess'd with fear
So strongly that they dare not meet each other;
Each takes his fellow for an officer.
Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along:
Were 't not for laughing, I should pity him.
POINS How the rogue roar'd!
  [Exeunt]

 

To see other scenes from the show:

Full Text Act III, Scene 3 The Boar's-Head Tavern.
Act I, Scene 1 London. The palace Act IV, Scene 1 The rebel camp near Shrewsbury
Act I, Scene 2 London. An apartment of the Prince's Act IV, Scene 2 A public road near Coventry
Act I, Scene 3 London. The palace Act IV, Scene 3 The rebel camp near Shrewsbury/Act IV, Scene 4 The Archbishop's palace
Act II, Scene 1 Rochester. An inn yard/Act II, Scene 2 The highway, near Gadshill. Act V, Scene 1 King Henry IV's camp near Shrewsbury.
Act II, Scene 3 Warkworth castle Act V, Scene 2 The rebel camp
Act II, Scene 4 The Boar's-Head Tavern, Eastcheap Act V, Scene 3 Plain between the camps.
Act III, Scene 1 The Archdeacon's house Act V, Scene 4 Another part of the field
Act III, Scene 2 The palace Act, Scene 5 Another part of the field

 

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