| AJAX |
Thersites! |
| THERSITES
|
Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,
generally? |
| AJAX |
Thersites! |
| THERSITES
|
And those boils did run? say so: did not the
general run then? were not that a botchy core? |
| AJAX |
Dog! |
| THERSITES
|
Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
|
| AJAX |
Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?
|
| |
[Beating him] |
| |
Feel, then. |
| THERSITES
|
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel
beef-witted lord! |
| AJAX |
Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will
beat thee into handsomeness. |
| THERSITES
|
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,
I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than
thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike,
canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks! |
| AJAX |
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
|
| THERSITES
|
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
|
| AJAX |
The proclamation! |
| THERSITES
|
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
|
| AJAX |
Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
|
| THERSITES
|
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had
the scratching of thee; I would make thee the
loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in
the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another. |
| AJAX |
I say, the proclamation!
|
| THERSITES
|
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,
and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as
Cerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thou
barkest at him. |
| AJAX |
Mistress Thersites! |
| THERSITES
|
Thou shouldest strike him.
|
| AJAX |
Cobloaf! |
| THERSITES
|
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
sailor breaks a biscuit. |
| AJAX |
[Beating him] You whoreson cur!
|
| THERSITES
|
Do, do. |
| AJAX |
Thou stool for a witch!
|
| THERSITES
|
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no
more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego
may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art
here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and
sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave.
If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and
tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no
bowels, thou! |
| AJAX |
You dog! |
| THERSITES
|
You scurvy lord! |
| AJAX |
[Beating him] You cur!
|
| THERSITES
|
Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
|
| |
[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
|
| ACHILLES
|
Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
Thersites! what's the matter, man? |
| THERSITES
|
You see him there, do you?
|
| ACHILLES
|
Ay; what's the matter?
|
| THERSITES
|
Nay, look upon him. |
| ACHILLES
|
So I do: what's the matter?
|
| THERSITES
|
Nay, but regard him well.
|
| ACHILLES
|
'Well!' why, I do so. |
| THERSITES
|
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you
take him to be, he is Ajax. |
| ACHILLES
|
I know that, fool. |
| THERSITES
|
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
|
| AJAX |
Therefore I beat thee.
|
| THERSITES
|
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his
evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his
brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy
nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not
worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,
Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and
his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of
him. |
| ACHILLES
|
What? |
| THERSITES
|
I say, this Ajax-- |
| |
[Ajax offers to beat him]
|
| ACHILLES
|
Nay, good Ajax. |
| THERSITES
|
Has not so much wit-- |
| ACHILLES
|
Nay, I must hold you. |
| THERSITES
|
As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he
comes to fight. |
| ACHILLES
|
Peace, fool! |
| THERSITES
|
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will
not: he there: that he: look you there. |
| AJAX |
O thou damned cur! I shall--
|
| ACHILLES
|
Will you set your wit to a fool's?
|
| THERSITES
|
No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
|
| PATROCLUS
|
Good words, Thersites.
|
| ACHILLES
|
What's the quarrel? |
| AJAX |
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
proclamation, and he rails upon me. |
| THERSITES
|
I serve thee not. |
| AJAX |
Well, go to, go to. |
| THERSITES
|
I serve here voluntarily.
|
| ACHILLES
|
Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not
voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress. |
| THERSITES
|
E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your
sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great
catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a'
were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. |
| ACHILLES
|
What, with me too, Thersites?
|
| THERSITES
|
There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy
ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you
like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars. |
| ACHILLES
|
What, what? |
| THERSITES
|
Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
|
| AJAX |
I shall cut out your tongue.
|
| THERSITES
|
'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou
afterwards. |
| PATROCLUS
|
No more words, Thersites; peace!
|
| THERSITES
|
I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
|
| ACHILLES
|
There's for you, Patroclus.
|
| THERSITES
|
I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come
any more to your tents: I will keep where there is
wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. |
| |
[Exit] |
| PATROCLUS
|
A good riddance. |
| ACHILLES
|
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy
To-morrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell. |
| AJAX |
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
|
| ACHILLES
|
I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise
He knew his man. |
| AJAX |
O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
|
| |
[Exeunt] |
